The IN-LOVE Factor

“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.”, Song of Solomon 8:6-7

The word “love” is one of the most used, and most diluted, words in the English language. We love our spouse, we love pizza, we love a good sunset, and we love our favourite television programme. The same word carries vastly different meanings depending on the context, and this ambiguity creates real confusion in marriage. When someone says “I love you,” what exactly do they mean? And when they say “I don’t feel in love anymore,” what has actually changed?

The ancient Greeks were far more precise. They used different words for different expressions of love, and understanding these distinctions is essential for building a marriage that lasts. There are four Greek expressions of love that every married couple needs to understand and cultivate.

1. Eros, Romantic Love

Eros is the love that most people think of when they hear the word “love.” It is erotic, romantic, passionate love, the butterflies in the stomach, the racing heart, the magnetic attraction that draws two people together. Eros is the love of fairy tales, Hollywood films, and romance novels. It is exhilarating, intoxicating, and powerful.

It is also, on its own, entirely insufficient to sustain a marriage.

Eros is feelings-based love. It surges in the early days of a relationship and then, inevitably, it fluctuates. It ebbs and flows with circumstances, hormones, stress, and familiarity. When couples build their entire marriage on Eros alone, they are building on sand. The moment the feelings fade, and they will, the marriage feels empty. “I don’t feel in love anymore” really means “the Eros has faded, and I have nothing else to stand on.”

This is why marriages built exclusively on romantic love have roughly a 50 percent failure rate. Eros is a beautiful and important component of marriage, but it was never meant to carry the full weight alone. It needs partners.

2. Philia, Friendship Love

Philia is the love of deep friendship, loyalty, companionship, shared values, mutual respect, and genuine enjoyment of one another’s company. It is the kind of love that says “I like you” as well as “I love you.” It is the love that makes you want to spend time with your spouse even when the romance is not front and centre.

Philia is the bedrock of an enduring marriage. When the romantic feelings ebb, and in every marriage, there will be seasons when they do, it is Philia that holds you together. Couples who are genuine friends weather storms that would destroy those who are only lovers. They enjoy each other. They laugh together. They confide in each other. They choose each other not just out of passion but out of genuine companionship.

If you have lost the friendship in your marriage, rebuilding it should be your highest priority. Start spending time together doing things you both enjoy. Have conversations that go beyond logistics and schedules. Rediscover the person you married. The power of positive communication can help you reconnect on this level.

3. Agape, Unconditional Love

Agape is God’s love, unconditional, sacrificial, and not dependent on the worthiness of the recipient. It is the love described in Romans 5:5: “The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” Agape does not love because the other person deserves it. It loves because that is its nature.

Agape is the adhesive that holds a marriage together when everything else fails. There will be moments in your marriage when you do not feel romantic love. There will be moments when the friendship is strained. There will be moments when your spouse hurts you, disappoints you, or falls short. In those moments, it is Agape that keeps you committed. It is the love that says, “I choose you, not because you are perfect, but because I have made a covenant before God.”

Agape cannot be manufactured by human effort alone. It is a supernatural love that flows from a relationship with God. This is why faith is so central to lasting marriage. When you are connected to God, His love flows through you and enables you to love your spouse in ways that go beyond your natural capacity. The 40-Day Love Challenge is one practical way to begin cultivating Agape love in your marriage.

4. Storge, Affectionate Love

Storge is warm, affectionate love, the everyday expressions of tenderness that keep a marriage feeling alive. It is the hugs, the kisses, the hand-holding, the gentle touch on the shoulder, the arm around the waist. It is the physical intimacy that communicates belonging and closeness without necessarily being erotic.

Of all four loves, Storge is the one most likely to disappear in the busyness of life. Couples who were once physically affectionate can gradually drift into a pattern of barely touching. The demands of work, children, and daily responsibilities crowd out the simple acts of tenderness that once came naturally.

Storge requires intentional cultivation. It does not happen automatically once the newness wears off. You must choose to be affectionate, to maintain physical closeness, and to express warmth through touch and presence. The rewards are profound, couples who maintain Storge report deeper emotional intimacy and greater overall satisfaction.

Five Ways to Cultivate Storge

Here are five practical ways to keep affectionate love alive in your marriage:

1. Continue dating each other. Do not let the courtship end at the altar. Schedule regular date nights. Go to new places. Create new memories. The effort you put into pursuing your spouse before marriage should never stop.
2. Pray together. There is a unique intimacy that comes from praying with your spouse. It is vulnerable, it is honest, and it draws you closer to each other as you draw closer to God.
3. Show genuine interest in your spouse’s hobbies and passions. Even if it is not your thing, take time to understand and engage with what excites your spouse. Your interest communicates love.
4. Attend marriage seminars and retreats together. Investing in your marriage through learning and shared experiences strengthens your bond and gives you new tools for growth.
5. Verbally affirm your commitment regularly. Do not assume your spouse knows you love them. Tell them. Tell them often. Tell them specifically. Words of commitment create security and warmth.

Squeeze the Orange

Here is a truth that many couples overlook: you don’t get the orange juice until you squeeze the orange. Love, real, deep, lasting love, does not just happen. It must be actively pursued, intentionally cultivated, and consistently maintained. The sweetness of a thriving marriage is the fruit of deliberate effort.

Too many couples wait passively for love to return, for the spark to reignite, for things to get better on their own. But love is not a spectator sport. It requires your participation. It requires your investment. It requires you to show up, every day, and choose to love in all four dimensions, Eros, Philia, Agape, and Storge.

If your marriage feels dry, do not despair. Identify which expression of love has been neglected and begin investing there. Reignite the romance. Rebuild the friendship. Deepen your connection with God so that His unconditional love can flow through you. And start showing affection in the small, everyday moments that make a marriage feel like home. The IN-LOVE factor is not a mystery, it is a choice you make, every day, to love with everything you have.